fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”