These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.