4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Just a friendly reminder!
can’t believe I got front row seats
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
*updates tinder bio*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks