Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Oops
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
So, can we agree on 4 or
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.