Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My flabber has been gasted.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.