[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’