Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
The news in a nutshell.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.