What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”