[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
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Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Phones down.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
as is their right