they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
You Might Also Like
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.