I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
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*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
#ParentingFacts
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware