A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.