me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You Might Also Like
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles