What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
You Might Also Like
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
my proudest tweet
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank