Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
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SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.