They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Them: Just act casual
Me:
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone