Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Time heals everything 🙂