I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
#dalle2
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?