Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.