Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
greetings!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Strange
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Steam Forums
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.