Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
me after eating Cheetos
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?