I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
💯😂
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…