Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I hope it’s French Onion!
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
What a website
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.