me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?