4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
You Might Also Like
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit