don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.