[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry