My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.