Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: