Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar