A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
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Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third