When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Here’s a meme
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?