Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)