my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.