If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
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People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.