Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?