[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
You Might Also Like
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*