i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
The Others (2001)
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.