“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
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my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.