[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.