I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.