If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
fixed it
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo