We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
A small tragedy.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I want what they have
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.