“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My purse is deeper than some people.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.