Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Never ghost your hitman.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.