Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When someone trying to leave me
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-