Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
This can never not be funny 😭😭
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
house sitting!
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.