If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”