Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Art by Pastelkatto
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.