woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
they finally got him. they got macavity
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..